May I Please Have That Bread?

As a child we are conditioned to learn what is right from what is wrong. I don't just mean learning the difference between the right and wrong answer to a math problem, I mean the difference between what is right and what is wrong morally. These are things that are pounded into our heads by teachers, parents and Sunday school teachers and surprisingly, they are also things that we may have trouble with from time to time as there are many gray areas.

                                 
Think back to the classic story of a man stealing a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Do you think it was justified for him to steal? Do you think he should be punished from taking profits from another man that needs to feed his family? This is where determining right and wrong becomes difficult because everyone is going to have a slightly different moral answer.

When looking at making moral answers, Lawrence Kohlberg is believed to be the father of the modern idea of moral development. He based his ideas off of the famed Piaget and developed a series of 6 different stages of moral development. By looking at his theories and comparing the answers that individuals give to the questions stated above we can tell what stage of moral development each person is experiencing. The table below is a very good outline of each of the different stages.

Now, without rewriting each of the statements above and completely boring you to tears; I think it is best explained if you look at an example given by Jon Haidt. In his example a brother and sister want to experiment with their sexuality by having safe sex with each other. Haidt asked many test participants if they believed it was right or wrong for the brother and sister to have sexual intercourse together. Most people would immediately answer no, which may go back to the basic ideals of right and wrong that are instilled in us as small children. However, under which of the following stages explained above does the answer "no they shouldn't have sex because it's just wrong" fall into?

This is where the difficulty of determining moral answers ensues. Tamler Sommers looked deeper into the experiment conducted by Haidt and determined that in situations like this it is most natural for us as humans to pass judgement first and then try to justify our answer by saying it is morally correct. William Saletan also said in his article that Haidt like to bring topics to the surface that make us question our own moral judgement and are not simple "this is right, that is wrong" answers.

So how do we learn what is right and wrong? How do we determine if it alright for the man to steal the bread? Is it what our parents tell us? It is the way our brains simply develop? By taking into account the stages of moral development put forth by Kohlberg, as well as keeping our own judgments in mind, we will be better able to make difficult moral decisions.

So much for 'Death Do Us Part'

I have always been proud of my parent's relationship. They grew up together and were happily married by 23. They have been married for over 30 years now and make it look easy. When I picture myself married I dream of a relationship like my parent's, however with the current data this is looking like it is less and less common. This was demonstrated by a friend, we'll call her Jane, who had her parents split when we were freshman in high school. Her parents had been married for over 10 years and always seemed like the perfect couple on the surface. However, what the rest of the world didn't know was that they fought almost constantly and try as they might, they couldn't make their relationship work. Is this a common trend that is going to become more and more popular as time goes on? By the time I want to get married will that be a thing of the past?

                          

However, does this mean that there is no hope for people like my parents to keep their marriage in tact for their whole lives? According to a study conducted by Dr. Gottman and two of his colleagues the likelihood of a marriage staying together can be predicted by a simple interview. This means that if my parents were curious enough to see if the experts said their marriage was going to last they could go and have this interview conducted. In said interview there are 7 key characteristics that are being observed: Expression of fondness/affection, Expression of negativity towards spouse, Expressiveness vs. withdrawal, We-ness vs. Seperateness (how much they identify as part of the couple), Level of traditionality regarding gender roles, How couple reported dealing with conflict: Volatility, Chaos, or Glorifying the Struggle, Marital Disappointment or Disillusionment. Amazingly, when conducted these surveys actually had a 94% accuracy rate. By looking at key attributes such as: A husband’s expression of fondness towards his wife, both the husband’s and the wife’s expression of we-ness, Expression of positivity or happiness in their marriage, especially on the part of the husband. Couples that are questioning their relationship may find it helpful to look into these particular characteristics.
                          
Perhaps if Jane's parents had known about this potential to predict the lasting power of their marriage they would have done something further ahead of time to potentially save themselves. Gottman has put together a list, or in this case a house, of 9 important characteristics that make a happy relationship. When I look at all of the characteristics described below I can see how my parent's relationship compared to Jane's parents. Although her parents put on a good act, they didn't have the deeper levels of connection that I know my parents have. 

                                         

An interesting concept for me to think about is the fact that if my parents got divorced now they may be considered "grey divorcees." As the life expectancy of Americans continues to rise the more likely individuals in unhappy relationships are to terminate these relationships in hopes for a happier one. This means that if an individual divorces at 50 and they are expected to live well into their 80's they still have potentially 30 years to spend with another person in a happy relationship. Another factor that may contribute to the grey divorcee phenomenon is the rise in age of the baby boomer generation. As these individuals begin to age the grey divorce number increases because of the influx of the population. And although Jane's parents were much younger than mine, and aren't grey divorcees, they are still part of the ever present statistic that is growing more and more prevalent in the United States.

                              
If I could go back and help Jane help her parents I would show her the "sound relationship house." Unfortunately, it is way past that time and Jane has moved on and is still a happy and healthy girl. Her parents were able to become friends and work together to help support and raise Jane together and she is one of the lucky ones. Looking back on this event makes me even more grateful that my parents have a happy and healthy relationship together and are able to work through their differences together. I hope to someday have a marriage modeled after them.